I miss spending time with James

By Sai

I admit. I am still not over James but I am happy with my life right now. Since Saturday I’ve been thinking about him more and more each night. I know he’s happy now with someone else while I’m stuck here in my room just thinking about our happy memories.

Love is a bitch. I know how important James is to me but I decided not to come back in his arms for it will make things more complicated. Until now I am not mentioning any detail about why I break up with him. In our three-year relationship, in fairness to James, he was the greatest boyfriend I could ever have.

It’s 8:30pm now and I know he’s spending lots of time with his new girlfriend. I wish I could say to him, “Just tell me you love her and I’ll be gone” but I just don’t want to bother him again aside from the fact that I don’t want to look like the ex-girlfriend who obviously can’t get over him. I know I could still do something about this. I love him so much but deep inside I know whatever we had before will never work again – not for the millionth time.

Tonight, I reminisce the feeling of being loved by a great guy like James. Every detail of our first kiss is still clear in my mind. I really miss him embracing me. I miss him kissing my face. Damn! This is really killing me. I love him! I love him! I love him! I love him is all I can think of.

I am the type of ex-girlfriend who does not bother to know everything after our relationship. My ex-boyfriend before James never explained himself to me – well, I did not bother to hear it and so is what I did to James. He wants to give me something and he insisted but I never bothered to know what that thing is. I was so afraid that my decision of breaking up with him might turn into loving him and just stay with him in the hell we both made. Sh*t! I really love James but though there are still some things I can do, I prefer to be quiet.

He’s moved on and that is very clear. He’s with his Bella now. I was never his Bella. He was never my Edward nor my Jacob. He’s not a fan of Twilight while I am. He always say, “yuck” whenever I dream of him as my Edward and all of a sudden he’s calling someone else “his Bella.” My goodness! My heart is really dying from within. I can’t breathe…

James took the most important part of me – believing in love. He took away my priceless possession. I was a believer of fantasies and happy endings. He took away the very thing that keeps me alive. This too shall pass but I can feel I lost my trust in true love. True love does not exist anymore – at least not for me. James was so lucky for I loved him every single day. My next boyfriend is so stupid to love me in the first place. It will be very unfortunate for him to love me because I will never love someone 100% again.

James, James, James, James! I wish I can move on too. I wish I can move on at your phase – quick and painless. I just realize how pathetic I am. Now I know.

James never loved me at all.

He just used me.

James said, “I love you” but those words were just lies.

He never meant it.

I still miss him. This is really killing me. I hope I will love again. I’m tired. James had all of me and I don’t want to try again. I don’t want to love again the way I used to love James. I’m done with my true love. I felt it and it passed.

To James, I am happy for you! This is not sarcastic. I am really happy you found a new one. I hope you realize how much I love you. I am willing to let go of you and kill myself with pathetic blog posts like this if it will make you happy. I am willing to give you to her even if that’s not what I want. We talked last week and you made it all clear. You want her more. Wishing you both the best!

To my law professor, no more wedding bells. I’m sorry. It never worked.