Waking up with a smile

By Sai

(Written on July 13, 2010, 10:24am)

This is the first time that I woke up with a smile since I and James broke up – and this feeling is the best. Last night I composed a post about Robert and his endless effort to make me happy. I think he made me smile today.

The weather outside is very lonely yet calming. It’s raining outside and in a moment like this I usually think of James and how he broke my heart but things are different now.

I think I am moving on.

I am very grateful for having people (lots of people) who loves me. I have my blogger friends, Vince, Sire, Leira and Carl who took the time to listen to all my silly “James” stories. They made me realize my advantages now that I am SINGLE again.

Carl is right. Maybe I still love James but I if only I have enough power to erase him in my mind and in my heart, I will. Today is the start. I can feel it. I am not that lonely anymore. I haven’t totally moved on, that’s a fact. I am taking one baby step at a time.

Leira is right. James wants me and ONLY me. He made a broken bridge between me and my friends. James is selfish, VERY selfish.

No more tears now. The sad face may be seen from time to time but I think I can manage the feeling now. I will not cry anymore.

There’s one thing I like about breaking up – it is when your friends are there to offer their shoulders to you. My friends rock!

To be with you

By Sai

(Written on July 12, 2010, 6:40pm)

Because I was in pain I almost forgot how to smile. Today, smiles are everywhere. I am currently listening to “To be with you” by Mr. Big (the band). As the music is playing I remember Robert.

Robert never failed to make me smile. When I and James are in a fight Robert is always there to cheer me up. He likes me and just the fact that he respects that I have a boyfriend (back then) makes me like him more (as a friend). We are good friends since 2009. Our friendship is just starting and now that I am not with James anymore, Robert is still here – just one text away.

Last night, Robert was mad at me. I was not sending him any messages since my break up with James and he knows how painful that is. He wants to be beside me but I am not giving him a chance. He was so mad and he told me that he doesn’t want me in his life. You have to understand that our feelings are mutual since we first met but I chose James. Robert waited for me (until now). He also told me not to send him any messages because he now has a girlfriend. Of course, that was another (minor) broken heart for me. The next day, Robert apologized to me and he told me that he told me that because he was so mad. I am taking him for granted and he does not want that. Now we’re okay. One question remains: Robert is good to me, can he be my next Mr. Big?

“Come on baby let me be the one to show you. I’m the one who wants to be with you. Deep inside I know you feel it to.”

This is the perfect line that will describe Robert’s feeling towards me. Listening to it right now makes me think. Do I have to give him a chance? Yes, I have feelings for him but I do not want him to be my rebound relationship. I want to love him when my heart is ready to love again.

“We can be together, baby. You can make my life worthwhile. I can start to make you smile.”

Now that I have accepted the fact that James can never be mine again, I realized one thing. There’s always someone (Robert) out there waiting for me – just this fact alone makes me happy. You see how he, Robert, always managed to make me smile?

“Just to be the next to be with you”

Robert, I will be yours when the perfect time comes. You will have my heart when my heart has been healed by time. When I’m yours I know you will make me very happy. Thanks for always loving me for who I am.

I can’t get over us

By Sai

(Written on July 12, 2010 at 1:56am)

Tonight is like the other nights I had since me and James broke up. Tonight is sad. No, tonight is the worst. Tonight I realized how much I hate myself for still loving him. He was my heaven.

He was my light. I believe I would never ever find a love like him in my entire lifetime. I recall the days when he was still mine – those days when we were still us. I am not a VERY good person, I know. I have flaws. I am a brat and I want (most) things done my way but James stood by me. He was there when I was happy. He was there when I was going through my parents’ painful separtion. He stayed with me through thick and thin. He listened to all of my silly stories. He kissed me when I was mad. He embraced me when I needed (just) time. He healed my broken heart. He was everything a girl like me could ever dream of. HE WAS MY LIFE.

And now...

MY LIFE HAS PASSED ME BY.

My friend was right. I realized that “maybe, I still love him.” That one I know but I tried to bury the feeling thousands of feet under the ground.

I STILL LOVE HIM.

“It’s been months and for some reason I can’t get over us... I’m so over being blue crying over you” – Neyo.

Yes, I am tired of going through my “before bed” crying routine. I need more time to forget how much I loved him. I need more months to forget how much we both hate each other now.

“Don’t make me think about his smile or having my first child. I’m letting go”

I am so sick of this! James, you ruined who I am. I blame you for all this stupid tears falling down my face. You said you’ll love me come what may. I guess PROMISES ARE REALLY MEANT TO BE BROKEN. You promised me and the worst decision I made in my life is when I BELIEVED.

Move on

By Sai

July 9, 2010 (12:13am)

I have been holding on for my special feeling towards James for quite some time. We were together for three years and it has been (just) two months since we separated. The fact that I am not with him really kills me. I haven’t moved on and this feeling sucks.

It hurts to wake up every day with no “Good morning baby, I love you!” messages in my phone. There were times when I caught myself staring at my window, tears falling down while madly thinking of him.

What happened today was a shocker! Yes I am still stalking James’ Facebook account. He’s been saying nasty things about me online and don’t tell me that’s something great! He’s just an asshole, whom I happen to really love. How about that huh? My heart is bleeding every time I see his hate posts for me. I know we both were hurt but I just hope he’s matured enough to handle a break up. I am too fragile. My feelings are too sensitive. I may not show it but deep inside I’m bleeding.

Then I saw this:

This is my Mr. Big’s actual post. He’s falling for another woman. Two months... that’s all he needed to forget every ounce of me. Two months is all he needed to erase all those stupid “I love you honey.” Two months is all he needed to move on.

This post put a period to everything. It’s over – the only fact that I cannot face for two months. It took him eight months to kiss me. Now, all he needed was a little time and Lhara. (Sad face) I can’t breathe.

(Crying)

James, you were all the best I ever had. You were my life. I was still hopeful that everything will work out between us. This is all I have now – memories of you and me. I am stuck. This is no good at all. Who is Lhara? Am I just another woman you came to love for fun? You do not know the feeling. I am still in pain, James, and now you’re asking for someone else’s lips?

(Frown)

Tonight I watched Eclipse. My friend invited me to watch it. Because I am so sad tonight, I decided to watch the movie. As I was watching the movie, I remembered James. I said to myself, “this is exactly what we wanted to see together.” We’ve been waiting for this movie.

Then I found myself in the middle of two guys (my friends). I am having some deep thoughts. It’s just like the movie. If I am Bella, where’s my Edward? Where is my Jacob? If I am Carrie, where is Mr. Big? Where is Aidan? I have nothing but myself.

Please view this video. This really fits my situation now. James, I just hope you’ll be happy now (sad face)

I want my Aidan

By Sai

There’s a lot of Sex and the City going on in my life right now. I am now on Season 4 and I still have a lot of Sex and the City marathon to do. Now, during the past episodes of SATC Carrie cheated on Aidan. I felt bad for Carrie because she was so f*cking okay with being with Mr. Big and losing Aidan. MAJOR NO! Aidan is perfect!

We all have our own Mr. Big in our lives but Aidan happens only once in a blue moon! Tonight I fantasize on meeting my own version of Aidan in my lifetime – a perfect man who perfectly loves you.

I admire how he, Aidan, just forgives and forget what Carrie did to him. That’s so manly and mature of him. I am sure that if I am Aidan it is HARD to just love the woman who broke your precious heart. It’s then I start to wonder – I want someone like him.

Yes, he is so damn hot! I like the new hair, clean and so hunk! I love how he confronts “Batman” and in a manly way told Mr. Big that “Hey, she is mine now so get the f*ck out of here!”

I think I already met my Aidan but I guess not. Let’s name him Robert. Robert is a great guy. No! He is one hottie who likes me. I was so mesmerized with his beautiful face and never thought if he really loved me. Yes, I never cared because just the thought that “he likes me” thrills me to the bone! If James was my Mr. Big, Robert was my Aidan. He could be a great boyfriend too, I must say. Oh man, now I am REALLY thinking about him! If he is all these things then why didn’t I date him or committed? Yes he wanted me to be HIS girl but it’s just too good to be true. I may have this Miranda side of me. He is way too handsome for me (not that I am saying that my looks suck but hey! I must be that hot too for him to like me, right?).

I do not want him to be the rebounder. I am still in the “I just broke up with somebody” stage. I like him but love him? Nah! I do not want to cheat on myself. I still love James, who can’t stood up for me and here comes Robert who, from a point of view of a woman like me, really likes me. Since I am so emotional these past few weeks I have been thinking of calling him. I want to see him and see where this path will lead us but I do not want to mislead him. I want my Aidan when this Carrie is ready to forget Mr. Big.

I shall return

By Sai

“I shall return” – a statement that has been part of the Filipino norm. Historically, it meant something. Tonight I experienced a different part two – James sent a message.

I hate him for letting me know how much he still loves me.

I hate him for letting me know how much he still thinks of me.

I hate him for letting me know how much he still cares.

James is making this hard for me. He has no idea how much I wanted to hug him again. He has no idea how much my lips are begging for his sweet kisses. He just had no idea that I STILL love him.

I replied with the same thing. We have been talking for the past month like sh*t and I just realized that this man was my boyfriend once upon a time. This guy was the one I ever wanted. We shared so much and to just let the anger inside me control my whole being is just wrong. I told him I still love him, I still think of him and I still care but this time there would never be a part two in our relationship. That one hurts!

To face the fact that you can no longer be with the one you love really sucks! There were too many odds against us now. I am not saying that I care about what people might think but our issue was too big and too deep for me to handle. I do not know if I still have to believe him because I think he is okay now. I am trying to move on from my “James Chapter” and I know (someday) I will be fine. Right now I am not looking for anyone in particular. The thought of loving another man is just not passing my mind. I am trying to love myself again. This way, next time I fall in love, I am whole again.

The good thing about breaking up

By Sai

Sex and the City is the best thing that ever happened to me since I broke up with James. It was the perfect series for me. It opens my mind to a whole different reality. Tonight I realized that my relationship with James may have failed because of my flaws but I think I have to be happy we broke up.

True, it is hard for me to accept the fact that we are not together anymore. It has been three f*cking years! I may be a hard-headed girlfriend but I am not the type who is dependent on any guy. I like to do things on my own. I want to be independent. Miss Independent as Neyo referred to one of his songs. Yes, I earn my own money and I buy whatever makeup I like. It is a good thing he had me because he wouldn’t have to worry about paying food for me because (hell) I can afford it!

Today, I had the chance to talk to the CEO of our company. I was really embarrassed because there was an awkward moment where we have to talk about James. Damn! It made me cry but Mr. CEO said something awakening. He said, “You should be happy you broke up with him. Think about this, if you’re still with him you cannot grow professionally.” T-R-U-E! He hates my job and he limits my career growth. Man! Its 2010 now! Women are in power! Go ladies!

One thing that I really love about breaking up is giving birth to a new YOU! In my own experience, every time someone breaks my heart (James in particular) I have more time to celebrate ME! Right now I am trying to lose a couple of weight and I take care of my skin and face more. I consider it as a revenge for James. If ever I will see him again or (better) he sees me again, in my most unexpected moment he’ll just tell himself, “Man! That was my girl B-E-F-O-R-E! She’s stunning!”. *sshole! I will make sure that when you see me again you’ll fall for the second time around and I’ll make sure (this time) I will break your heart! Now that was for James.

Lastly, you get to meet a lot of people especially cute guys :) Your ex should not think that he is irreplaceable as what Beyonce perfectly said in her song. Yes boys, to the left, to the left! We have more time to mingle with guys who are not as loser as you are! If you’re like me who felt tired of just looking so stupid for crying over a loser guy, move one honey! Let’s mingle and let’s enjoy life as it is. This life is too short to cage yourself in the f*cking memories of your ex. This is a new life and let us all make the most of it!