I miss spending time with James

By Sai

I admit. I am still not over James but I am happy with my life right now. Since Saturday I’ve been thinking about him more and more each night. I know he’s happy now with someone else while I’m stuck here in my room just thinking about our happy memories.

Love is a bitch. I know how important James is to me but I decided not to come back in his arms for it will make things more complicated. Until now I am not mentioning any detail about why I break up with him. In our three-year relationship, in fairness to James, he was the greatest boyfriend I could ever have.

I can’t get over us

By Sai

(Written on July 12, 2010 at 1:56am)

Tonight is like the other nights I had since me and James broke up. Tonight is sad. No, tonight is the worst. Tonight I realized how much I hate myself for still loving him. He was my heaven.

He was my light. I believe I would never ever find a love like him in my entire lifetime. I recall the days when he was still mine – those days when we were still us. I am not a VERY good person, I know. I have flaws. I am a brat and I want (most) things done my way but James stood by me. He was there when I was happy. He was there when I was going through my parents’ painful separtion. He stayed with me through thick and thin. He listened to all of my silly stories. He kissed me when I was mad. He embraced me when I needed (just) time. He healed my broken heart. He was everything a girl like me could ever dream of. HE WAS MY LIFE.

And now...

MY LIFE HAS PASSED ME BY.

My friend was right. I realized that “maybe, I still love him.” That one I know but I tried to bury the feeling thousands of feet under the ground.

I STILL LOVE HIM.

“It’s been months and for some reason I can’t get over us... I’m so over being blue crying over you” – Neyo.

Yes, I am tired of going through my “before bed” crying routine. I need more time to forget how much I loved him. I need more months to forget how much we both hate each other now.

“Don’t make me think about his smile or having my first child. I’m letting go”

I am so sick of this! James, you ruined who I am. I blame you for all this stupid tears falling down my face. You said you’ll love me come what may. I guess PROMISES ARE REALLY MEANT TO BE BROKEN. You promised me and the worst decision I made in my life is when I BELIEVED.

Move on

By Sai

July 9, 2010 (12:13am)

I have been holding on for my special feeling towards James for quite some time. We were together for three years and it has been (just) two months since we separated. The fact that I am not with him really kills me. I haven’t moved on and this feeling sucks.

It hurts to wake up every day with no “Good morning baby, I love you!” messages in my phone. There were times when I caught myself staring at my window, tears falling down while madly thinking of him.

What happened today was a shocker! Yes I am still stalking James’ Facebook account. He’s been saying nasty things about me online and don’t tell me that’s something great! He’s just an asshole, whom I happen to really love. How about that huh? My heart is bleeding every time I see his hate posts for me. I know we both were hurt but I just hope he’s matured enough to handle a break up. I am too fragile. My feelings are too sensitive. I may not show it but deep inside I’m bleeding.

Then I saw this:

This is my Mr. Big’s actual post. He’s falling for another woman. Two months... that’s all he needed to forget every ounce of me. Two months is all he needed to erase all those stupid “I love you honey.” Two months is all he needed to move on.

This post put a period to everything. It’s over – the only fact that I cannot face for two months. It took him eight months to kiss me. Now, all he needed was a little time and Lhara. (Sad face) I can’t breathe.

(Crying)

James, you were all the best I ever had. You were my life. I was still hopeful that everything will work out between us. This is all I have now – memories of you and me. I am stuck. This is no good at all. Who is Lhara? Am I just another woman you came to love for fun? You do not know the feeling. I am still in pain, James, and now you’re asking for someone else’s lips?

(Frown)

Tonight I watched Eclipse. My friend invited me to watch it. Because I am so sad tonight, I decided to watch the movie. As I was watching the movie, I remembered James. I said to myself, “this is exactly what we wanted to see together.” We’ve been waiting for this movie.

Then I found myself in the middle of two guys (my friends). I am having some deep thoughts. It’s just like the movie. If I am Bella, where’s my Edward? Where is my Jacob? If I am Carrie, where is Mr. Big? Where is Aidan? I have nothing but myself.

Please view this video. This really fits my situation now. James, I just hope you’ll be happy now (sad face)

I shall return

By Sai

“I shall return” – a statement that has been part of the Filipino norm. Historically, it meant something. Tonight I experienced a different part two – James sent a message.

I hate him for letting me know how much he still loves me.

I hate him for letting me know how much he still thinks of me.

I hate him for letting me know how much he still cares.

James is making this hard for me. He has no idea how much I wanted to hug him again. He has no idea how much my lips are begging for his sweet kisses. He just had no idea that I STILL love him.

I replied with the same thing. We have been talking for the past month like sh*t and I just realized that this man was my boyfriend once upon a time. This guy was the one I ever wanted. We shared so much and to just let the anger inside me control my whole being is just wrong. I told him I still love him, I still think of him and I still care but this time there would never be a part two in our relationship. That one hurts!

To face the fact that you can no longer be with the one you love really sucks! There were too many odds against us now. I am not saying that I care about what people might think but our issue was too big and too deep for me to handle. I do not know if I still have to believe him because I think he is okay now. I am trying to move on from my “James Chapter” and I know (someday) I will be fine. Right now I am not looking for anyone in particular. The thought of loving another man is just not passing my mind. I am trying to love myself again. This way, next time I fall in love, I am whole again.

Hate that I love you

By Sai

I am such a loser (I know)! James has moved on inevitably and the loser part is I haven’t and I don’t know until when this whole James dilemma will be over.

I think Rihanna and Neyo’s song “Hate that I love you” suits this James chapter of my life. I am fragile and when I am sad I just cry. Crying is not a drama for me. It is one of my ways to shake the loneliness away. I’ve been crying for the past two months but not on a regular basis. I am also busy, you know. But when I had nothing to do, all I can think of is him.

I miss his touch.

I miss his kiss.

I miss his hug.

I miss EVERYTHING about him!

Pathetic! Sometimes I wish I never loved him this much. There were times when I wish I had amnesia. Forgetting literally everything will help me a lot.

“One of these days maybe your magic won’t affect me... But no one in this world knows me the way you know me. So you’ll probably ALWAYS have a spell on me...”

Darn! James I still love you! I guess I’ll always will. This really sucks! I want to ignore the pain but I just can’t deny the fact that I am still in love with you, James. Three years is not a joke, man! I see you as my husband but I guess we’re really not meant for each other :(

“I just can’t let you go and I HATE THAT I LOVE YOU SO”

The "Bother"

By Sai

The problem with ex-boyfriends are them being bitter about what happened. Girls are like that too. There is a point where you don't want to stop talking to him just to let him know how hurt and damaged you are.

Last week was a pretty hard week for me. I fought with my ex-boyfriend. At first he was in control but towards the end I am the one dominant. I don't know what's the matter with him. I admit that I have flaws in our relationship but the problem with him is that he does not admit his own flaws. He thinks he's perfect!

Since we had that fight I decided not to talk to him anymore. I don't see any sense in talking to him again when all we'll do is fight about unresolved issues in our past relationships. Since he does not admit his flaws we can never resolve it. I was slowly coping to this sad feeling inside. 

I checked my Facebook account as usual and to my surprise he sent a message. He was greeting my dad for father's day. I replied with no bitterness telling him that I will tell my dad about his greeting. He replied mad. What's wrong with him? I think he likes the fact that he's bothering me. To solve the problem I blocked him in my Facebook account. I want to live my happy single life without him! He's a big pain in the *ss.

I hope he'll mature soon. His next girlfriend would be in hell if he stays like that. Good thing for me I had the chance to break free.