I miss spending time with James

By Sai

I admit. I am still not over James but I am happy with my life right now. Since Saturday I’ve been thinking about him more and more each night. I know he’s happy now with someone else while I’m stuck here in my room just thinking about our happy memories.

Love is a bitch. I know how important James is to me but I decided not to come back in his arms for it will make things more complicated. Until now I am not mentioning any detail about why I break up with him. In our three-year relationship, in fairness to James, he was the greatest boyfriend I could ever have.

I can’t get over us

By Sai

(Written on July 12, 2010 at 1:56am)

Tonight is like the other nights I had since me and James broke up. Tonight is sad. No, tonight is the worst. Tonight I realized how much I hate myself for still loving him. He was my heaven.

He was my light. I believe I would never ever find a love like him in my entire lifetime. I recall the days when he was still mine – those days when we were still us. I am not a VERY good person, I know. I have flaws. I am a brat and I want (most) things done my way but James stood by me. He was there when I was happy. He was there when I was going through my parents’ painful separtion. He stayed with me through thick and thin. He listened to all of my silly stories. He kissed me when I was mad. He embraced me when I needed (just) time. He healed my broken heart. He was everything a girl like me could ever dream of. HE WAS MY LIFE.

And now...

MY LIFE HAS PASSED ME BY.

My friend was right. I realized that “maybe, I still love him.” That one I know but I tried to bury the feeling thousands of feet under the ground.

I STILL LOVE HIM.

“It’s been months and for some reason I can’t get over us... I’m so over being blue crying over you” – Neyo.

Yes, I am tired of going through my “before bed” crying routine. I need more time to forget how much I loved him. I need more months to forget how much we both hate each other now.

“Don’t make me think about his smile or having my first child. I’m letting go”

I am so sick of this! James, you ruined who I am. I blame you for all this stupid tears falling down my face. You said you’ll love me come what may. I guess PROMISES ARE REALLY MEANT TO BE BROKEN. You promised me and the worst decision I made in my life is when I BELIEVED.

Move on

By Sai

July 9, 2010 (12:13am)

I have been holding on for my special feeling towards James for quite some time. We were together for three years and it has been (just) two months since we separated. The fact that I am not with him really kills me. I haven’t moved on and this feeling sucks.

It hurts to wake up every day with no “Good morning baby, I love you!” messages in my phone. There were times when I caught myself staring at my window, tears falling down while madly thinking of him.

What happened today was a shocker! Yes I am still stalking James’ Facebook account. He’s been saying nasty things about me online and don’t tell me that’s something great! He’s just an asshole, whom I happen to really love. How about that huh? My heart is bleeding every time I see his hate posts for me. I know we both were hurt but I just hope he’s matured enough to handle a break up. I am too fragile. My feelings are too sensitive. I may not show it but deep inside I’m bleeding.

Then I saw this:

This is my Mr. Big’s actual post. He’s falling for another woman. Two months... that’s all he needed to forget every ounce of me. Two months is all he needed to erase all those stupid “I love you honey.” Two months is all he needed to move on.

This post put a period to everything. It’s over – the only fact that I cannot face for two months. It took him eight months to kiss me. Now, all he needed was a little time and Lhara. (Sad face) I can’t breathe.

(Crying)

James, you were all the best I ever had. You were my life. I was still hopeful that everything will work out between us. This is all I have now – memories of you and me. I am stuck. This is no good at all. Who is Lhara? Am I just another woman you came to love for fun? You do not know the feeling. I am still in pain, James, and now you’re asking for someone else’s lips?

(Frown)

Tonight I watched Eclipse. My friend invited me to watch it. Because I am so sad tonight, I decided to watch the movie. As I was watching the movie, I remembered James. I said to myself, “this is exactly what we wanted to see together.” We’ve been waiting for this movie.

Then I found myself in the middle of two guys (my friends). I am having some deep thoughts. It’s just like the movie. If I am Bella, where’s my Edward? Where is my Jacob? If I am Carrie, where is Mr. Big? Where is Aidan? I have nothing but myself.

Please view this video. This really fits my situation now. James, I just hope you’ll be happy now (sad face)

Hate that I love you

By Sai

I am such a loser (I know)! James has moved on inevitably and the loser part is I haven’t and I don’t know until when this whole James dilemma will be over.

I think Rihanna and Neyo’s song “Hate that I love you” suits this James chapter of my life. I am fragile and when I am sad I just cry. Crying is not a drama for me. It is one of my ways to shake the loneliness away. I’ve been crying for the past two months but not on a regular basis. I am also busy, you know. But when I had nothing to do, all I can think of is him.

I miss his touch.

I miss his kiss.

I miss his hug.

I miss EVERYTHING about him!

Pathetic! Sometimes I wish I never loved him this much. There were times when I wish I had amnesia. Forgetting literally everything will help me a lot.

“One of these days maybe your magic won’t affect me... But no one in this world knows me the way you know me. So you’ll probably ALWAYS have a spell on me...”

Darn! James I still love you! I guess I’ll always will. This really sucks! I want to ignore the pain but I just can’t deny the fact that I am still in love with you, James. Three years is not a joke, man! I see you as my husband but I guess we’re really not meant for each other :(

“I just can’t let you go and I HATE THAT I LOVE YOU SO”

I hate you

By Sai

It has been roughly 2 months since we broke up. Let's just replace my ex-boyfriend's name with James. I really love James. He was my all! I blocked him in Facebook last week because he's starting a fight. I've been thinking too many things lately and a fight from him will add some stress.

I've been missing him since day 1 of our break up. Last night I was talking to friend, Ashley. We we're talking about something when I noticed myself writing James' name. Darn! I still love him! This is the sad part..... He's interested in another woman now :( MAJOR OUCH!

I'm sad right now because I see a different photo in him profile (yes I unblocked him in Facebook just to check what he's into right now and, yes, I miss him). It was a lady's photo who's really stunning! It hurts! Man! My profile picture is me holding a paper with "I hate you" written on it. I guess it's really for him. 

It has only been 2 months and he moved on! WTF?!?! (Sigh) I wish I can shake this feeling off of me :(

The story behind the name

By Sai

If you've been following my other blogs you would probably know me as "Sai Verano." Now with this very first post from the bottom of my (broken) heart, I'd use ONLY "Sai" from now on. I'm letting go of the "Verano" part. It was actually my boyfriend's (ehem... ex-boyfriend's) last name. Yes! I was a victim too! I thought we're meant to be.

We broke up because of too many issues. I can't stand his insecurities in life and his demands! It was just too much for me :( I learned to separate my own feelings (the sad ones) when I'm at work but today is different. The sadness was there. I can't hide my lonely face and my teary-eyed because of what I found out today.