I am missing the happy part

By Sai

(July 21, 2010, 11:30pm)

Tonight is like the other nights. I watch at least three episodes of either Fringe or Sex and the City. I am just too glad I finished downloading Sex and the City’s full season 6 episodes today. I am, again, getting my daily dose of Relationships 101 from Carrie Bradshaw.

Tonight’s episode reminds me of James. I know, from deep inside, I still love him. Tonight is not like the other night – I don’t have to deal with James, every night before I go to sleep, that heavy. From the moment a friend told me that I should talk about James less, I started to accept the fact that we can never be together and that whatever happened between us for three years will never happen again – well at least not in this universe’s time and space (theory from Fringe, of course).

I am writing this post before I go to sleep. I just finished watching the first three episodes of Sex and the City’s season six. I stopped at the episode where Carrie and Burger were over the “book picking” part. The last scene was at Carrie’s bathroom. Carrie and Burger were so happy together – just like I and James three years ago.

My heart is beating fast as I am writing this post. I feel James in my heart. Yet, I feel it is impossible. Early this morning a friend tagged me in one of her photo albums. I saw old memories from my school organization way back college. I saw how I managed the Junior Marketing Executives of 2008 despite all the odds. I stood for my organization. I saw how happy I was. Next.

I saw my classmates having fun in our General Assembly Party. Next.

I saw how they do the Japan pose. Next.

I saw how one of them pretended to be a drummer but actually he’s not. Next.

I should have not clicked the “Next” button...

There we were – I and James. I saw love.

I remember those days when all I ever cared about was him. I remember those days when all we ever knew was that we love each other. All I can see was “US”.

I tagged myself. I was trying to tag James in the photo but since he’s not my friend in Facebook anymore, I failed to tag him in the photo. So I went to his account and send him the link to the photo. I said, “Here’s a photo that you might be interested to tag yourself” – and I went back to work.

Right after my lunch break, I saw a message in my Facebook account. I was from James. He replied to my message.

He said, “This was our photo long ago. I miss US.”

I knew it! He was planning to throw bait but I did not let myself give in. I went straight to the point and replied, “Just tag your account if you like.”

Truth is I wanted him to ask me back – but he didn’t. Yes I miss US too. I miss him so much but I am just trying to concentrate on what I have right now. I don’t want to deal with him – my brutal past. I loved him once upon a time and let it all stay there. Now I know that not all fairy tales end with a “and they all lived happily ever after.” That cliché is bullshit! If you’re single like me please face reality and don’t fall for this “happily ever after” trap. It will just kill you from within – from your heart until you’re dead.

We both agreed that “US” being together is just next to impossible. James, I miss you but I have to move on. You’re a big pain in my ass, literally honey. You’re just giving me too much pain and I do not deserve this! Now, I don’t just miss James... I miss the feeling of having someone beside you

Someone who loves to hug you.

Someone who’s fond of kissing your lips.

Someone who wants to stay up late just to talk to you over the phone.

Someone you can go out with any time of the day (or night).

Someone you can call “YOUR GUY”.

I am still a single lady in the metropolis, still roaming around the busy city and looking for my next Mr. Right. I am not rushing. I just hope he will find me when I am just about to get bored doing all the “single lady” stuffs. Cheers to your honey! Come and get me... NOW!